i'm drowning.

ambivalent.

2005-12-19T08:39:00.000-08:00

There seemed to be someone following us all the time, tailing us wherever we go, staring at us whatever we do. NO peace, no calmness, no serenity and no freedom of our own. There was just something which separates us from who we are and what we are.

Not what we gladly like to do, just that it is sometimes beyond our control. It was pure disgust at first, but i learnt to adapt. Perhaps what we have been through is nothing compared to the torment you had undergone. But is this kind of revenge or smth? Venting your anger on us? then when will that hatred begin to cease to exist? Giving everyone a break? Is it bound to pass down generations after generations? LIke walking down a path with no beginning and an end?

It was never a wrong decision. My passion has changed to apprehension.

if only you knew. Things were never that simple. I really hope we can rightfully earn a break. Private or public? could we at least yearn for some privacy? we had not rights of our own everywhere we are, im totally speechless, and utterly helpless. We have to accpet that fact but could we be wilful and ask for somthing simple? something which everyone of us yearn for? a rest? just a clean break? which can really let us settle down and talk things out?

It can really drive us to the wall, walking down and endless path is already draining out my inexhuastible energy, and the mental and physical exhaustion is really making me drop dead on the floor.

There's no reason for me to bear any hatred or sorrows. Since when we had any?

but there is a reason for us to be asking for the same thing which we could never get.

i wonder. does the fault really lies with us or you?

perhaps neither. Deep down in our hearts, we know, we were never meant for each other. Just hope that the sun would be shinely brightly once again, let the rain cease and the rainbow shall appear.

wil there be a day anyway?

i've learnt to let it all go and swallow everything. But being wrongly accused is something i could never accept. YOu jolly well know that it was never me in your eyes. No matter what you say, your actions dont tally. Sometimes, its not just those sweet talking words that heal wonders. Its that tiny actions that couts, that really shatters my heart.

but i dont mind. it is really me. i do what i have to do.

it was really never me. and everytime the fault lies with me. everyone around me, everyone associated with me. wrong company? or bad host? naughty daughter? or mainly my character?

you pick. it really made those hot trickling tears fall out of place. i really have nothing to drown my sorrows in. Is it really my fault?

could someone at least give me an explanation why is everything taking its toll on me? If i were to name all of them, it would be an never ending list. i could only let it go.

yes, let it all go.

perhaps. but i really cant.this is fated. it always is.

is this for jocularity? playing a prank on me?

i really want a break. a real break. PLEASE.

is that too much im asking for?

Please, pull me out of this reality and bring me back to where i truly belong....

*fighting with inexhaustible energy, to escape from the hands of reality.*
*the rain just keeps on falling...*

blessing in disguise?

2005-12-10T06:08:00.000-08:00

a blessing in a disguise? more like a prank? or for jocularity?

everytime its just so near yet so far. just like a never ending road, leading to me to nowhere, overcoming obstacles along the way. it didnt make me stronger, but it made me shun away from it, making me oppressed, turning happiness into melancholy, afraid to advance any step further.

or rather its just like a rose? i pretty rose whose torns pricked deeply into my flseh whenever i attempt to touch it? and feel it?

is it really that far away from me?

i feel really tired at times. giving in to the fate that lies directly in my hands. or rather i hate myself for not being able to change anything or do anything and hesitating on the way. theres realyl no answer. why is everything taking its toll on me? why?

could someone just give me an answer? road to happiness? and my dreams? or my dreams are just that unattainable?

could i at least get an answer? do u know the feeling of being kept in the dark??? or rather its just not the ripe time to tell????

i hate this.

hate everything. but i also hate to live in a world of misery. shrouded in misery? scepticle but its the truth though.

i seem to be wallowing deeper into self pity.

".... when will my sunshine appear? and dry away all my tears? the rain just keeps on falling...."

paraxysm of rage.

2005-11-29T08:03:00.000-08:00

sensitive?

or were you oblivious?

It just doesnt pay to be kind. or rather. it is not worth my time sticking my nose into other ppl's affairs.

There was just some kind of animosity between us. No longer what we used to be. drifting apart? i would say, irrevocable change.

or rather, nobody has. IT was still who we are, what we were. just that our mindsets have change, together with the numerous things that differ from the past.

sighh...

perhaps this isnt what i really belong in.

*can somone wake my up
and pull me back to
where i used to be....*

in a whirl.

2005-11-28T09:03:00.000-08:00

You are merely waiting for something which could never happen and will NEVER happen.

give me a break. Ruthless? or rather, helpful?

argh. watever. it's driving me to the wall. SERIOUSLY.

tremenduous change?

2005-11-27T07:41:00.000-08:00

perhaps i have really change. for the worst....

it is time i should indeed do some soul-seraching? or rather reflections. I seem to have left my body, drifting in to a place where i do not belong to, for a rather long time...

perhaps its time for me to go back?

sometimes, it is really much better to remain in that well of yours...

world of illusions.

2005-11-26T05:54:00.000-08:00

i seem to be drifted away from where i used to be, breaking free of the world i was at... but it can't last long and it CANNOT. i should be going back when the time is ripe, go back to where i truly belong to.

but in the meantime, it brought me lots of wonderful and unforgettable memories. memories that are so hard to forget yet so hurtful.

it was definately what i expected and wanted. perhaps at least, not for me.

i don't want to lead myself further into this world of illusions. walking through it is already an eye opener. and there's no point continuing this path. i don't want to pursue it anyway.

i can only say i'm sorry.

it is neither an obstacle nor a surprise. it was a bomshell, to me. which i could never accept.

lead me the way out, please.

miconception.

2005-11-16T22:48:00.000-08:00

perhaps it is misconception.

perhaps, it just wasnt so obvious.

wait.

stop. everything has to have an ending. i have to put an end to this. it cant bring me far. it certainly wont do me any good. but to my chagrin, everytime when it starts to come, supporting me, being my pillar of strength, it always fades away the next day.....

help. they are so many things bottling inside me. Everything has its reasons. Should i go knocking my head on the wall to wake myself up or should i just stay where i am, stuck at the beginning?

aren't i giving up on myself? i hate too and i don't wish to. there are just so many unaccomplished things. something which held me back.

*if only i cold quell my fears*

or rather, i MUST quell my fears. why must i build this invisible barrier in front of me? why must i segregate myself from the world i belong in? why? so many restrictions, endless rules and reasons. Can't i just be what i am, what i am used to be, what i am?

Is this a prank of merely an obstacle in life? i seemed to be asleep for a very long time. time to wake up? time to face the reality? or.... remain where i am?

but i can't afford to and i don't wish to.

*please, someone pull me out of this world and bring me back to where i belong to.*

it can't be anyone else. it is only.... me.

nobody can help me if i can't help myself. i can't be sceptical.

determination seems to have taken its leave. its time for me to get it back, fighting with inexhaustible energy to get back what i used to be, please.

Let me see a glimmer of hope, let me be what i truly am. Though im afraid to face this battle alone. i hope everything would be just fine. If there is just this trust in you. i hope. please....

shoo.

2005-11-15T03:16:00.000-08:00

i am really speechless. or rather, i am made speechless.

What else do you expect? perhaps in your eyes, shattering us into pieces is the only way that brightens up your day, to get rid of all the thorns in your flesh, i guess?

What kind of scenerio do you want us to land in? something which you can gloat about? something which makes you the happiest girl in the world? or plainly putting on a facade, shedding crocodile tears?

What exactly are you hoping to see?!

It gives me an unsettling feeling. Something is bound to happen. And the culprit seems indubitably, YOU.

of course, we can't blame you.

*drop the sarcasm*

or rather, drop your facade.

so oblivious and blinded. How unfair.

irrevocable change.

2005-11-13T07:48:00.000-08:00

constructive? or detrimental?

perhaps. its detrimental. i used to be reflecting upon every comment made across and think that others is always right. since when i am thinking logically anyway? but all of sudden, i seem to be dreading and sulking.

Wats happening to me? perhaps something changed my life irrevocably. perhaps its just me, the other side of me seems so overpowering..... i feel so lifeless. adapting? or trying to adapt?

seems rather unnatural. perhaps i don't belong in their world after all.

I have the propensity of keeping myself occupied every minute. after all, the brain juice that i have squeezed and forced out of my brain isnt going to go down the drain. However, i seem to be eating my own words.

Everything just seems to be sliding down a slope. Beyond redemption? i have no idea. i really dont know. everything seems to be slipping.

Im not in the correct state of mind. though not so mentally exhausted. but i really have a paraxysm of rage in me. of was it those that i have been bottling up and its slowly opening its cap, letting it all out bit by bit?

But i just felt remorseful. or rather, i should be jubilant with joy?

letting it all go seems such a heart aching scene.

But it also marks the begining to a new start.

so what is it that i cant let go?

*BUT u don't have to fit in*

so contradicting. what on earth is running through my mind? i hardly have the time to think right through. Perhaps time is just slipping off my mind. Seconds, minutes, hours just passes by in a twinkling of an eye. Trying to salvage it?

*seems too late*

Please, let me quell all my fears.

I really don't know what's right to do.

Just don't let it slip out of my hand, never....

reflect.

2005-11-06T07:59:00.000-08:00

i fervently hope it helps. Time is certainly running out. I cant even sense certitude. What do you expect?

It's merely a ball. not that i cant afford. i dont yearn for you to buy it for me. I don't need. and i can count on myself to buy it. Can't i?

I'm NOt sensitive. i was merely.... walking exceptionally fast. Nothing is wrong. NOthing. why should it be anyway?

am i just deceiving myself?

Perhpas it wont be tangible. perhaps it will all come to nought.
have it ever crossed my mind just this once that it might be a fruitful outcome? Why must always focus on the negative side?

Good question. Isn't this what i have been asking myself all along?

The key to that door.....

just a stone's throw away? or nowhere in sight?

i really see no beginning. let alone an end. It wholly depends on me.

i can neither be helped or enlightened. Or perhaps i already am.
but i am merely deceiving myself?

Please, quell my fears.
Tears in exchange.

wake up.

2005-11-05T06:02:00.000-08:00

There's always a huge gap between plain hardworking and working smart. Was i completely oblivious? or i didn't dare to acknowledge it?

Hardworking only shows the process of your eagerness to learn and practise. It doesn't lead to any success. So what? so what everybody thinks you deserve it? What do you get in the end? praises or rather, uselessness? It's just not enough. it's just not the right thing to do.

Working smart leads you to the right path to success. And that is the path which is always shrouded in darkness in my whole entire life. Should i light it up and make it alive? or should i always remain fearful and avoid it??

i doubt so.

It's time. Perhaps. Perhaps blaming myself is just the best solution. But wait, perhaps it's nobody's fault. It's my attitude.

I have only one thing to learn. : i do things for the sake of myself, not for the sake of other ppl. So what you show to them how mighty and worthy you are? are you happy? What do you get in the end? I will work hard, for the sake of myself. Besides, The person who shares the fruits of labour will be nobody but YOURSELF.

There's just this tiny little door which leads you to the world of happiness. Why, on earth am i hesitating and preventing myself from opening this door? and rather shroud myself in a world of self pity and misery?! IT's really time to wake up. There's nobody to help. And there's nothing that can be done. Only i can help myself. Wake up and face the reality. There's no point hiding in that well of yours. So what if everything is kept a secret? so what everything is just between you and the four walls? Does it help? I would say, i worsens the situation.

perhpas i've changed. STRESS is all i needed. Indubitably, i'm weird. But how do you explain the coutless reminders every time? What is the result? I've been at the starting point. And i have always been there. The finishing point is nowhere in sight. perhpas it's just a stone throw's away. Perhaps it is right there all along.

There's simply no time to reproach myself. NO time to shed any more tears. The tears represents the burdens that i have abandoned. And i fervently hope i mean it.

LEt me start afresh. I will never forgive myself. This is never what i wished for. But there's just this huge difference between wishing and making your wish come true.

I may be weak as a weakling. But i can learn to be strong. I made myself end up in this state and nobody is to be blamed.

PLEASE.
QUELL ALL MY FEARS.

lost.

2005-10-30T06:28:00.000-08:00

Lost in myriad of thoughts, wonder when to stop....

forget it. There's simply no point pursuing it further. not as if there would be an answer. but seriously, im flabbergusted. or should i say, apprehensive?

What if history really repeats itself? It just has the propensity of happening again. And that is when lucidity remains best. all the innocuous reamarks.... perhaps ostensible? i have no idea. but guess it should also be a lesson to learn from.

*sticks and stones may break my bones and words hurt me deeply*

Eveything has its causes and effects. The effects seems to have a lasting impact. There's just hideous scar which could never be get rid of. it just seemed so difficult to exonerate someone from what he/she has done.

wait. Why do i seem to bear a grudge? what on earth am i becoming?!
Contradicting. NATO. why can't i even think wat wrong have i done?! this is outrageous. I seemed to have been possessed. i cant even recognise who i am. All those shabby works, harsh remarks and accusations.... it's really atrocious. What has got into me?

i seemed to be separated. so near yet so far. There's only one way to get rid of that invisible barrier-you.

i cant remain like this forever.

Please, wake me up.
pull me out of this nightmare.
bring me back to a place
where i truly belong to.

my passion.... has changed to apprehension.

get out.

2005-10-21T02:00:00.000-07:00

A unbearable grudge? or merely my attitude?

Just get out. I have the propensity to think about the worst. But perhaps, that would be good for me. SERIOUSLY.

Stop interfering. There are some things which are meant to be buried forever, in the heap of sand, untouched. IT just isn't wise.

I can't understand. There seemed to have this ostensible face on you which i could hardly decipher. If only this wasn't true. I don't want and i refuse to accept it. Why are you always at the pinnacle, disparaging those who are making their way up there?

Destroyer? i don't know. Perhaps. You make my blood boil, but you also make my day.How contradicting. But i can feel, somehow, there's just something much more overpowering. Hatred i guess.

This is not for jocularity. I'm serious. Why? i just don't understand. Everything has its own reasons. Can't you just try and analyse the situation? or you deliberately be oblivious to it? what's the point? i rather break free for this world of trepidation. seriouisly. Why can't i be what i want? carefree, happy, no worry nor woes. How nice. But i can't deny conflicts do occur. But its a fact that i have to face. it's ***.

i don't know. I'm not the only one i guess. Whatever. i'm mentally exhausted. give me a break. PLEASE.

*my passion has changed to apprehension....*

break.

2005-10-14T05:21:00.000-07:00

I seemed to have a heavy load on my mind. It is neither a burden nor a problem to me. I created it anyway and i'm determined to finish it.

"sighh. So tiring. just give up"

"no. Since when i started to be like this?"

If you embark on somthing, finish it, nicely and happily, with neither complains nor sorrows.And i will. i hope.

It seems to be playing tricks with me. contradicting, hurtful, tiring. BUt i don't wanna a break. I can't afford to lose, just this time to do what i wanna do. The anxiety seems to have dissipated. At least, my mind was at ease. i could at last feel the serenity and tranquilty which i had always wanter...

But i doubt so. Things are definately coming up. May it be good or bad. At least there are its pros and cons. Can't expect everything to be smooth sailing. I would like to, but i know it will never happen. It's just leading me a world of illusions...

sighh.

Let me see a glimmer of hope.

after.

2005-10-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

Materialistic? yes, maybe.

Was it so much to give? IT was perhaps cheaper or much more useful. but you just don't see it. It takes 2 hands to clap. It was definately a condemned case. Why should fight anyway? whats the point? when i could never see a glimmer of hope?

"you are already draining him away"

"something which is not that unaffordable"

"you still have the cheek to say!"

YOu don't have to rub it in. I knew i didn't want it either. I have tried. But it was unfortunately that my mind was blocked. NObody wishes this to happen. I didnt choose this path. If i have a choice, would i rather be at this state?

Doing this for myself or for you? i sometimes really wonder. Is this what i enjoy? or is this what i ought to do. BUt wait. Decisions. i HATE to make decisions. Since when i have the right to make any decisions?

"sometimes i wonder, i even falter. why did you give me something i could not take? maybe its all too late, too late..."

If you ask me which do i prefer, what answer would you receive? a direct yes or no? its neither. Because neither can i give you a convincing answer. YOu insist. can i say no then? but if i say yes, will i be happy? i doubt so. there are just so many things to adapt, to change. What do u expect me to do? let the coin decide my fate? or let nature takes its course?

Sometimes i feel so exhausted. Sometimes i think its just so unfair. But it just makes me stronger. But wat for? Building up all these strength for major setbacks in future? it just makes hides me away and away for reality, overcomed by an unwanted fear, unwilling to break free of it. Why did you not give it to someone who yearned so much for it and is willing to do anything for it?! self pity? YES. what else can i say?

He deserves it and i don't? that's indubitably the truth. i don't deny. neither do i blink that fact. BUt i don't conceit defeat. It's just this close, but yet so far. Fated? Perhaps. so cruel...

"Fighting with inexhaustable energy to escape from the hands of reality..."

Dry those useless tears. NO one pities, no one bothers. YOu just have to stand on your own feet.

I dread, i cursed, what else could i do? it is just beyond my control. Anticipated it? i'm sorry. YOur hopes are just dashed. Its useless. Totally useless. DOn't pin your hopes on me anymore. I feel like giving up but can i? Its just me and myself. Without me, there's nothing left.

WOuld i rather end this once and for all?

I'm reluctant to.

it's hurtful. so hard to bear. BUt everything just seems out of control. Or it was all along... ME.

Everything is WITHIN your own hands. You ruin it, you destroyed it, you let it slip away....

It's YOU who didn't cherish it and didn't earn for it.

It's YOU who did not fight for your rights, did not fight for it, didn't fight for what you wanted...

It's YOU who created this, it's YOU who resulted in all these....

I'm really drowning...

After? happy? ambivalent i guess.

what else? Jumping for joy? sulking? what else could i do? It doesn't change anything AT ALL! People believe that since its neither this nor that, why not take the better option? i just can't seem to accept this one and only choice. I am reluctant to. I don't want to. It's just so.... hurtful. I don't want, i really don't want.

but wat else can i do?

"what if-s run thru my mind.
what if god was never kind?
what if i'm a bird that has never learnt how to fly?"

"maybe this is fate, it's all too late..."

I'm sorry.

drowned.

2005-09-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

I'm palpably drowned. NOt in water. BUt in a Restricted place where i could hardly breathe. suffocating. YES.

Been lost of words to describe. It came bombarding my mind. THe ideas, everything. But the appropriate words to use are totally asbsent.

Nothing could dissipate this fear. First experience? i doubt so. More like i am under some kind of pressure. of what? i have no idea.

i hope everything would turn out fine. Just fine.

impulsive.

2005-09-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

Was it my impulsiveness or inflexibility?

Was it my temper or my tolerance?

Was it my fault or yours?

It was definately not the first time. Using it as a menace to you did not just happened once. But sometimes, i must admit that people do have a certain limit where they can still tolerate and talk with jocularity about switiching it off. The test is you have to know when is the time to keep to your promise.

I seemed to be reprimanding when i'm at fault? am i in the first place? contradicting.

Call it my impulsiveness.

"this kinda attitude will get you beaten up outside".

Is it better to be hated or getting beaten? Both are equally disastrous and disruptive. Neither has good endings. Something ominous is bound to happen. However, it's rather palpable that getting beaten would be of the two, the worst.

Have you ever tried putting your shoes in mine? Nagging and waiting and wailing and begging while brushing off your nonsensical words of "wait" and "a while more".

If you were me, would you rather wait or would you be fed up and stomp around OR
would you beat someone up?

I dared not think of the consequences. Though it's always better to think it positively. My very third time. How do you expect me to trust you? The respect is already gone. There's no longer a win-win situation. Not because i am not willing to compromise. BUt it is partly your hot headedness if i were to be frank. Try getting threaten with an iron fist. See if you rather wait or rather do something drastic.

Perhaps something has indeed got into me. Upmteen chances, numerous warnings, endless admonishments. Did you ever take it to heart? If there was this very minority chance that i would get one, why would i still fight over it? If i have nothing at hand, why would i risk my life to use it? if i have nothing better to do, why would i rather bear the consequences though time and time again, it leaves me nothing but misery and hatred?

A cruelty knot borne by both love and hatred. or rather. A knot hardening into one bearing hatred and detest.

a pain in the neck? or pure irritating and unconsiderate?

Should i push the blame to myself say "i deserve it".
or should i say it was partly your fault?

I seriously have no idea. Lost in myriad of thought, wonder when to stop and wonder whether you, too , are reflecting upon what you have done.

Or was it merely a one way track?

Remonstrating me or rather, you, is not going to be help. Complaining to her about my lousy attitude can change everything. an anthema to me? i would rather say its an evidence. To prove how much you both are in alliance against me.

Obsession versus necessity.

Which will win?

Unfortunately, evil will always prevail. Doesn't it?

If i have no rights no authority to do anything, and the best way is to sit and wait, how long do i have to wait? if i have not done that, how am i to finish everything at hand?

*my point of view*

i hate to spetuculate. But i guess this is indubitably the TRUTH. whether or not, it doesn't matter anymore, to me at least. Though logical, think about what other feel.

If i already started, how can i stop? a few minutes difference would not kill right? Why can't you just compromise? not as if i'm not going to stop. I have just started not long ago and you don't have to hand in tomorrow right?

*your point of view* PERHAPS.

If i were to be like you, i would rather not be home.

Walking back in melancholy and with trepidation?

Do you even care?

i doubt so.

Since when i have a place in your heart?

hidden within.

2005-09-10T05:57:00.000-07:00

Was that the response i expected or was that the obvious?

Was it just so hard to express it? Though i really had it. But i would rather hide it inside. Nobody appreciates anyway, nobody even tried. I have received comments, though some were not really honest. but who cares? the player doesnt even care, why should the listeners? as if everything was just a fairytale... as if everything was perfect... as if i wanted the desired attention from onlookers....

If i cant, i shan't. why should i? Make myself proud? for the sake of reputation? for the sake of what? applying what you have learnt?

OR. Going through the retrspective memories whenever it takes you too? Or sensing the surrounding so quiet, so peaceful, only you and the music, enjoying, playing, listening, rapt, and nothing else could bother you?

Does it matter more? i don't want to be pretentious. WHat am i trying to show? empathy? or sympathy?

Perhpas you were right. Even for the sake of the tv, he woujld rather ask u to stop. Wasnt that soothing to the ear eh?

Even though i have the passion, the determination and the devotion, it's pointless to be honest. POINTLESS. since when i've ever had both?

Somethings just seemed amiss, just absent in my life, sucking out a lifeless body, leaving only the shell.... Drained out of my strength, i really have nothing left. It's all gone or should i say nothing seemed to be mine in the first place?

"What if-s run thru my mind.. what if god was never kind? what if im just a bird that has never learnt how to fly?"

everything seemed so ostensible, to me, perhaps. Speechless? or should i go reflect? prone to influence? or being open minded?

Why are things always so complicated?
*only you thought it was*

i would serioiusly rather drown in an abyss of ignorance.

close shave.

2005-09-07T02:25:00.000-07:00

I had an uneasy feeling, ominous. Some sort of premonition that something wasn't right.

Left for the clinic, hoping that it would never be true.

BUt his words simply made my heart sank.... walked out in trepidation, mingled with admonishments lingering around my ear. "life threatening.." "hell the dirty..." i didn't call for it either....

Everything seemed normal, nothing unusual. BUt in case, its obviously wiser to take the test.

I looked away. I knew it will hurt. But by the time i turned around, blood already started oozing out from my poor little finger.

Using all her might, she squeezed everything out.

*poor little finger*

Waited and waited. Chatted, to pass time. at last, everything was fine.

*What a close shave*

sigh. totally have no appetite. seemed so empty, yet so full.
how contradicting.

When can i puat a stop to this ordeal?

at last.

2005-09-06T01:52:00.000-07:00

Have been lying in bed, sleeping whole day long, like a new born baby, missing out all the fun, wasting all the precious time.

yes, this is what it deserves after being tortured for so long by....
ME.><

accusations

2005-08-31T01:54:00.000-07:00

Should i be angry over trivial matters or should i just forget about it since its not the first time anyway?

Wait. is it even a trivial matter?

If not, why is my mind smothered with hatred and rage?
I just can't bring myself to surrender to those wrong accusations.

I always lose my temper. why? because of mood swings? or its just my attitude? or my fire in me is burning more wildly than ever?

or was it his influence?

ARGH. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON?!

2 different faces at 2 different places. Shades of smiles faded to frowns. why?

No reason for me to treat you nicely or i was merely letting you get a taste of your own medicine? or i'm trying to show my anger, proving your accusations correct?

i really DON"T KNOW. really in a whirl. ARGH.

You think i like the feelings? instead of encouraging, you blamed instead. Is that what you see or what you hear? can you STOP being so gullible?! I can't believe you would choose to believe rumours than to see with your own eyes. Seems like i'm not worth your time at all eh? and you don't know me at all. 13 yrs? i would say its 13 days.

feel like saying WHATEVER. i'm just speechless, total blank. What to say? what to do? teach me and i shall learn. But you gave me no chance, no opportunity and no reason for me to learn. so what for? let you accuse, let you go on and on and on... until you see the pieces of me flying everywhere?

ATTITUDE. if i have it, would i still remain there?! cant you find other better reasons to say? out dated! i can't stand it. i really can't.

And if i'm so untrustworthy, i rather you NOT tell me anythign nor ASK me anything. i would rather deny knowing anything. i DON"T want to know anything at all. I would rather be oblivious and kept in the dark. That would indeed save a WHOLE lot of trouble for me and i'm glad to be FREE.

A bird locked up in a cage with no room to fly.... or rather, a bird without wings.

Can't you try thinking what's the truth lies? you are so gullible.

hate? or remorse? or should i do soul-searching?

please tell me.

change.

2005-08-29T01:40:00.000-07:00

Indeed, a story which has no beginning and an end....

I wonder where to start.

Lost in myriad of thoughts,
wondering when to stop.

attitude?
or sensitivity?
or interpreting skills?

Should i just let it off my chest
or should i carry on with this sack of burden?

Even then, who and where should i unload this burden?
Would i bear to unload it and what's the point of doing so?

Won't i still dread, won't i still contemplate, won't i still accumulate?

Am i releasing myself from this abyss ignorance or am i making space for it?

What if-s run through my mind,
what if god was never kind?
what if i'm a bird that has never learnt how to fly?
Maybe i should just look on the bright side of life.
BUt how could i?
when unhappy things just keeps flooding my life?

I really cannot breathe, i'm suffocating.
IS this my fate or merely the darkest period of my life?

I seem so selfish. Totally oblivious to the trouble i've created and replacing the usual euphoric atmosphere to one that is so morose and melancholy.... i'm so sorry.

Selfish me, hateful me and stupid me.

call me naive or call me sensitive.

I know i'm useless and you definately do not need to rub it in. If i ask for you to be a little discreet and rather laugh behind my back, would you agree? or would you rather shatter my heart and let it heal when nothing seems to stop the bleeding?

I froze simultaneously and tears welled up. Worth it? or unworthy of this cruel truth?

Should i explain? However, i found no reasons for me to elaborate. Simply no reasons for me to open my mouth except to frown and look at you in askance.

self denial?

perhaps.

Fate indeed lies in my hand. But i;m not making full use of my ability to alter it. Don't you cry over spilt milk eh?

Wonder whether it should be me reflecting or should it be you to unearth some secrets which are not obvious to the eyes.

There's nothing i could do or say. sorry. although i know that makes no difference....

the tumult in me.

2005-08-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

Go on and on with your endless remarks. YOur torrent of insulting words.

Though you may not insinuate the way i thought it to be.

Go and on and on and on and on....
i'm seriously, obviously going to EXPLODE. i am and i will. trust me

I cannot believe what i've heard and saw. Trying in vain to brush off those negative thoughts . but it seemed palpable that its just useless. its really not going to be of help.

What's the use of torturing my mind? what's the use of caring this sack of burden when you don;t even give a hoot and only blame it on my attitude?

I really feel like saying WHATEVER because to you, it DOESNT MATTER or should i say it never ever mattered to you?

Call me stupid, reprimand me for my crude behavious, admonish me for my fiery temper and slap me for my hurtful words. That won't work.

not as if i did not get a taste of my own medicine.

if that's the case, abandon me, kick me off, get me off your back. That would solve all problems, i swear. i can't bear it anymore. i'm really flying everywhere, in pieces. Call me pretentious or whatever you want to call. I'm just mad or i AM going mad.

My mind is in a whirl. Please end the tumult in me.

i can't take it anymore. If only you know how i feel. The retrospective of guilt in me, the endless tears i've been fighting to hold back.

And in the end,

in the end.....

It's me.

Still me.

And always me.

history repeating itself.

2005-08-25T05:07:00.000-07:00

Blame it on me. Throw your tantrums on things but i can tell you, it only makes widens and thickens the barrier between us.

You made it seemed that i ought to be remorseful and ought to reflect on what rubbish i have been spouting for all these years.

Perhaps it was your misfortune and perhaps it was more insensitivity. It isn't fun watching you throwing things around you and ending up sobbing. It isn't what i was supposed to see. If that's the way to make you feel right and big, go ahead. Anyway, the respect is losing its stand. You definately don't deserve it.

i Wonder whether its my fault for letting the cat out of the bag and betrayed you or was it your fault to result on violence and cast hurtful remarks.

And surprisingly, everything just obliterates from your mind as time flies. You will never understand as some wounds never seem to heal.

and i really cannot envisage the rest of my days with you which only spoils the day and wrecks my mood.

perhpas its was my misfortune after all. MAYBE.

*pretentious*

what was i trying to show? Who was i trying to prove? So what i'm clutching it in my hands? so what i'm dwelling onto each mistake even on a rocky ride?

I do seem so pretentious after all. perhpas i should stop. anyway, it serves no purpose. Who knows what is hiding behind all those papers? who knows whether im just putting up a facade?

BUt most importantly is, what am i trying to prove? stop your deceiving acts.

You just remain useless.

rage.

2005-08-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

A whole torrent of words shot out from your mouth. NOthing could be escaped. Everything just comes out, like bullets, shooting at me.

i'm definately NOT walking on placid waters of the lake.

I'm just spectaculating, i'm just presuming. But it seemed to me that i have no reason not to believe in these doubts that have stayed inside me.

I dread, i sulk, waking up everyday with endless things in my head, bombarding me. Switching off the lights in trepidation. But, that does not mean anything.

Even if i did, it does not make a difference. I don't want to rot.

Trying with all your might to talk him to his senses? I could see you putting in unrelenting efforts. However, it may be a wrong approach.

wait.

what rights do i have to critisise? its you. you should know better. Pardon me for my harsh words.

Try getting your things strewn all over the place and pick the bits and pieces up. See how you feel.

Nothing could be compared to how much time and devotion you have given to us. You are great, that cannot be denied. And i definately cannot blink the fact that all you have done is all worthwhile. But it always appeared to you that everything you have done seems to serve no purpose at all.

In a form of repaying, rebelling is obviously not the best.

Perhaps i really havent tried. Perhaps i indeed took things for granted. Indeed, I never reflected and never knew who created this paradise for me to live in.

my eyebrowns narrowed in fury and i stomped my way out, spouting words of disgust, hatred. To me, it seemed like eternity. You never seem to know how words could penetrate our hearts and hurt us so much.

But it was sort of vice versa.

i don't deny.

The waves came crashing on shore. When can i walk over placid waters of the lake?

waiting,

hoping,

praying.

Your intention seems so ostensible.

I don't believe and im certainly not convinced. I'm not obliged to do it. I would rather turn to somebody else.

Perhaps.....

*if only you knew*

ambivalent.

2005-08-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

it always comes when there's a sudden apprehension in me and when things became morose.
It appeared to me that it just went totally blank, with no words to describe. it indeed robbed me of my words.

*an unfinished peice of work*

or rather

*a story with no beginning and an end*

sighh.

Spending my time outdoor isn't a wise decision. It really isn't. Idling at home isn't a wise choice either. Sitting down being a couch potato isn't gonna be of help when my tests schedules lay right before my eyes, bolded in red, signifying the importance of it. However, it just obliterates from my mind.

*don't you dare cry over spilt milk*

perhaps it is really putting me through a test. Once there's distraction, everything seems to be unworthy of my time. Can't believe that puts an end to what i've promised.

seems like i ought i have red inks all over my papers.

On second thoughts, getting out of my well isn't a bad idea after all. But i seem to have spent too much outside my well. Its time to go back into it.

seriously, i need to go sit down and reflect. don't blame on the amount of work. Blame it on the wrong state my mind.

YOu should really return back to where you belong to.

always a moutain higher.

2005-08-01T03:27:00.000-07:00

Staring into space, muttering words of hope isn't the solution. It really isn't.

Success was not tangible right from the start. It just wasn't appropriate. I have the propensity of thinking the impossible. But who knows? it may just turned out to be correct. i hope.

There's no point blaming, reproaching, moaning. If i dread, i sulk, i'm selfish. it's never individualistic. Only you think it is.

There's always a moutain higher. There are always moutains that are much lower than some others.

I'm really on a roller coaster ride. Experiencing thrilling yet depressing rides which left me feeling dejected and bade farewell to in a melancholy mood.

*dejected*

i'm digging further into my own grave.

i really am. It just gets deeper. If its the anxiety and the haste i pursued, i'm speechless. Who doesn't yearn for it. If its time that i need, i would rather rub my hands off everything. Be what i am. Nobody needed you anyway.

But nope.

Its putting me through a test. But i fret, my patience isn't gonna last long. I'm really ambivalent about this. Once is never enough, there;s always a second time. And obstacles are swarming into my life.

If im a bird,
i will never learn how to spread my wings and fly.

because i never tried.

If you fall,

back yourself up on your feet.

if you skidded.

slow down your speed in future.

i would rather fall into an abyss of ignorace, self denial, being oblivious to the cruel world and fighting with inexhuastible energy to escape from the hands of reality.

The burden, the expectations that are hardly achieved seems a little too heavy.

Im getting rather exhuasted. Its draining out the last atom of my strength.

It's merely a test. Put your best lef forward and everything will just turn out fine. Would it be the case for me?

BRACE UP.

every setback is a lesson learnt in life. Unfortunately, it has always been a burden to me.

i've been bottling inside me. I kept repeating, i kept sulking, i kept reproaching. When will success be tangible?

i doubt.

useless, just useless.

probably you were wrong once more.

*release me from this burden, please.*

lost in myriad of thoughts,
when can i return to what i used to be?

there are bound to be advantages and disadvantages. It never works. I'm selfish. it's always me. It has never been individualistic. ITS ONLY AND ALWAYS YOU WHO THINKS IT IS.

*you better pull up your socks*

obsequious?

2005-07-30T01:32:00.000-07:00

so different. shrouded in the thoughts of failure.

nope.

guess i'm just drowning myself in myriad of negative thoughts.

It serves no purpose. I frown, i reproach. Stressed up, flaring up every moment. It isn't gonna be of help, it really isnt.

Losing my cool, on tenterhooks, in a melancholy mood.

It's full of ups and downs. But i cannot accept the fact. im oblivious, self denial, im just escaping from the hands of reality.

I stared right down from the pinnacle. But now, i'm staring up from an abyss.

*falling backwards*

it's the fear in me. It's the unhappiness in me. It's the determination in me which brings upon the downfall.

Perpaps i'm rather opressed about it. It's pretty clear that i have no rights to interfere. Anyway, it doesn't really concern me. What was actually running in my mind?

*if only i knew*

just because of what she told me? i'm not obsequious. But isn't it a fact? I have got to be impervious. BUt i have no idea to what extent. I seem to be a frog in the well. On second thoughts, i don't seem like one. It just makes me wiser.

It's really contradicting. i'm not sure. my mind is really in a whirl.

*if only i could quell my fears* i can't remain here anymore. Wake up, brush off those thoughts. Brace up.

innocuous remarks

2005-07-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

Unintentionally, serious.
Perhpas i was oblivious.
perhaps i was insensitive.
or i completely didn't think before i speak.

It was just an innocuous remark from me. I wasn't implying that. Indeed, i used the wrong choice of words. It always happens.

The leaves russel, swaying along with the wind. I felt the breeze, brushing across my face, so cooling. For once, i felt at ease, enjoying the elements of nature, which brought happiness to my life.

Time seem to have froze at this moments, as nostalgic reminiscence began flooding through my mind. Out of the blue, i remembered you.

I chose to be oblivious, chose to blink the fact beacues reality and the truth always hurt. The very moment your hands touches me, i have never once wanted to turn back and call you "brother".

Wrinkles appeared, resembling that of an old woman. The eyes went puffy red and i stared into space, comtemplating, trying hard to brush off the negative thoughts.

Perhpas you were unaware. It was really insensitive of you. The tremendous change in the attitude seemed meaningless to you. Perhaps to you, it was just a stage of puberty. But to you dismay, it's not, for sure.

I wasn't totally the victim and he wasn't totally at fault. But both of us were unreasonable.

Why i can't bring myself to bring myself back to the world i live in and return to one i used to be?

*lost in myriad of thoughts*. i questioned. But there came silence.

It i dread, i reproach, im selfish.

Others can, i can't.

Actions have its consequences.

Can't agree more.

If that is how long our friendship could last,
i doubt.

It's barely a year.

How could i survive?
in this pointless fight?
how could i face you?
when i look like a fool?

i'm not selfish. BUt it's a fact. It always happen, preferably on me.

A test?
an obstacle?
i doubt.

Far too many,
far too much.

i have never once passed the test
with flying colours.

perhpas that's just me and reality, fighting crucially to find the answers of life.

perhpas.

but i do hope.

things do turn for the better.

sooner or later.

it bothers me,
deeply.

lost in my myriad of thoughts.

2005-07-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

i have he propensity of thinking the impossible.

Seems like an irony to me. I could think that nothing seems to go well for me in this world and mischaps happen. But i could think that everything rightfully belongs to me, as if it were mine, right from the beginning.

i'm living in a world of illusions, lost in my myriad of unrealistic thoughts, thinking about the impossible.

*so naive*

my world

2005-06-26T04:17:00.000-07:00

perhaps im not that innocent after all. its still us who are at fault.

just can't seem to understand the gap in between us. perhaps this is what is meant to be. YOU, at the pinnacle and us, in an abyss. we were never going to meet in our lifetime.

its just our urge, temptation. we were totally oblivious to our surroundings. Things became morose. Was it our attitude, behavious or our boldness?

what's wrong with that?

its contradicting.

was it my mistake?

i never regret going there. but to my chagrin, i can't live long in a world filled with sorrows and fears. We are worlds apart.

i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance.