Monday, October 10, 2005
Materialistic? yes, maybe.Was it so much to give? IT was perhaps cheaper or much more useful. but you just don't see it. It takes 2 hands to clap. It was definately a condemned case. Why should fight anyway? whats the point? when i could never see a glimmer of hope?"you are already draining him away""something which is not that unaffordable""you still have the cheek to say!"YOu don't have to rub it in. I knew i didn't want it either. I have tried. But it was unfortunately that my mind was blocked. NObody wishes this to happen. I didnt choose this path. If i have a choice, would i rather be at this state? Doing this for myself or for you? i sometimes really wonder. Is this what i enjoy? or is this what i ought to do. BUt wait. Decisions. i HATE to make decisions. Since when i have the right to make any decisions? "sometimes i wonder, i even falter. why did you give me something i could not take? maybe its all too late, too late..."If you ask me which do i prefer, what answer would you receive? a direct yes or no? its neither. Because neither can i give you a convincing answer. YOu insist. can i say no then? but if i say yes, will i be happy? i doubt so. there are just so many things to adapt, to change. What do u expect me to do? let the coin decide my fate? or let nature takes its course?Sometimes i feel so exhausted. Sometimes i think its just so unfair. But it just makes me stronger. But wat for? Building up all these strength for major setbacks in future? it just makes hides me away and away for reality, overcomed by an unwanted fear, unwilling to break free of it. Why did you not give it to someone who yearned so much for it and is willing to do anything for it?! self pity? YES. what else can i say? He deserves it and i don't? that's indubitably the truth. i don't deny. neither do i blink that fact. BUt i don't conceit defeat. It's just this close, but yet so far. Fated? Perhaps. so cruel..."Fighting with inexhaustable energy to escape from the hands of reality..."Dry those useless tears. NO one pities, no one bothers. YOu just have to stand on your own feet.I dread, i cursed, what else could i do? it is just beyond my control. Anticipated it? i'm sorry. YOur hopes are just dashed. Its useless. Totally useless. DOn't pin your hopes on me anymore. I feel like giving up but can i? Its just me and myself. Without me, there's nothing left. WOuld i rather end this once and for all?I'm reluctant to.it's hurtful. so hard to bear. BUt everything just seems out of control. Or it was all along... ME.Everything is WITHIN your own hands. You ruin it, you destroyed it, you let it slip away....It's YOU who didn't cherish it and didn't earn for it.It's YOU who did not fight for your rights, did not fight for it, didn't fight for what you wanted...It's YOU who created this, it's YOU who resulted in all these....I'm really drowning... After? happy? ambivalent i guess.what else? Jumping for joy? sulking? what else could i do? It doesn't change anything AT ALL! People believe that since its neither this nor that, why not take the better option? i just can't seem to accept this one and only choice. I am reluctant to. I don't want to. It's just so.... hurtful. I don't want, i really don't want.but wat else can i do?"what if-s run thru my mind.what if god was never kind?what if i'm a bird that has never learnt how to fly?""maybe this is fate, it's all too late..."I'm sorry.
-drowning in an abyss of ignorance.
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